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Thoughts on being a puzzle....

Tuesday, April 02, 2013 Papillon 0 Comments Category :

My memories, unlike those of Miss Streisand, do not stay in the corners of my mind. They normally flood my mind in continuous waves making me travel to worlds far, far away of years gone by. At the same time, my mind daydreams like a crazy person all the time, making me travel to imaginary worlds of my own making. In between memories and imagined scenarios, I do find the time to live in the real world, only if for a moment. 

My point is, I'm a mind person. I live as much in my head, if not more, as I do in real life. Sadly, I have to admit the plot in mind is far more exciting than the one happening in my life right now. I feel like I'm living in limbo, standing between two worlds, finding my way out of one and testing the ground on the new one. Is not a fun place to be guys.... and it tastes like chicken ahah! (I have to laugh this out otherwise I'll go certified crazy!!!) 

I'm trying, really trying, to find my new way. But this path is difficult, not hard, just difficult. It's like I'm figuring out who I am now, which shouldn't make sense but it actually does. I like to think, as the independent woman I like to think I am, that I am not defined by the person I'm in a relationship with. But after three years of common life, how do you shake that off? How do you retreat to your "old" self when you're not the same person? I am, most definitely, a new conglomerate of experiences, feelings and new discoveries I've made with my former boyfriend. Everything we've lived together "scared" me for life, making me a different person. And although my core is the same, because people don't ever change at the core, I feel distant from that "self" I'm trying to rescue... At the same time, the whole break up experience also changed me, because of the way we did things, and the way we have been able to stay in each other lives without being in each other lives... So now I feel like a puzzle, tying to put all these million pieces together to form a whole, a new picture.

Yes, exciting stuff and exciting process which, as I've said before, I am loving. But, at the same time and because everything needs a positive and a negative side, I'm kinda lost. I wish I could fast forward sometimes, skip the whole process of self-rediscovering, and go straight to the part where I feel like myself again. But, let's face it, what would be the fun in that?!?

Confused but happy the days are finally longer! :)