The Whole World and Me

November 2010: life was good. I was in a new relationship, which felt like it would be for life, I had a new challenge at work, one that took two and a half months to prepare, and a new home. In the midst of a busy, busy schedule I've learned that my grandmother was in the hospital. So my schedule now included morning visits to the hospital, lunch with her and sometimes dinner. She was very weak, she couldn't even talk, and a few weeks later I received the dreaded call. I didn't have time to mourn. I had to organize the funeral, my dad was M.I.A. and my grandfather too shook up. So I stepped in. The day after the funeral, I went to their home and tried to organize everything, taking her clothes, cleaning, doing everything I could to make my grandfather's life more comfortable. While still working as a mad woman, I had lunch with him every day I could, he was so lonely... It broke my heart... 

I spent a lot of time on the phone with everyone in my family. I guess they see me as some kind of confidante, because everyone turns to me when it comes to complaints. Every dispute, every conversation, every little thing...I was tired!

January 2011 and I was awfully sick, one week in bed feeling like shit. One month or so after that and I started to feel really tired. Then nauseous, really nauseous, like I was in a boat all the time! I couldn't drive, I could barely walk, and I was really, really tired (going from the couch to the bathroom was a challenge!)! Having a doctor for a mom has good things, but also bad things. It took a while for her to take me serious. And when she did, she took me to top specialists who  because she's a doctor, started to look for the worst case scenarios.  I mean, I was hearing things like: tumor, MS and other scary, scary things. After one million exams no one knew what I had. Then my mother, who has a condition on her ears that affects her equilibrium, took me to a ear specialist and after one more million exams I had a diagnosis:  I had something very similar to my mother. No big deal, just a few pills for motion sickness, no driving for a while and that was it. Basically the first crisis was the worst, so it would be unlikely to have another one like this. I asked the doctor, a white haired man with kind eyes, if the tiredness was a symptom. He looked into my eyes and said: "You know...I think you're depressed, that's why you're so tired all the time!". There was a loud ring in my head: yes! That was it! Well, maybe not depression, I really don't like to use that word lightly. But I figured with everything that had happened I didn't had any time to mourn the lost of my grandmother... And the weight of all the family disputes and all the stress at work was finally taking its toll. After realizing this, I took my time and step by step tried to heal myself and basically shut down all communications for a while with my family and leaned on my friends and boyfriend.

Time heals everything...

2012 started with a strained ankle!  Happy new year to me! My grandfather, lonely and weak, started to fade away with Alzheimer. He stayed at my house for a week and I had to babysit him, literally, which was a hard experience. After that he went to a nursery home and so my days and weekends were spent there or at the hospital. I can honestly say I spent one million hours at the hospital last year. After a few long months he was at the hospital once again, but this time really, really ill. I could't even look at him without crying. All this time, my father kept pushing everything on my back, once again, and I was basically taking care of everything. August came and he went on vacations because I, of course, would stay here and not go anywhere so I could take care of him. The day he left my grandfather died. And so I found myself at the same funeral home organizing one more funeral, except this one was a flash funeral because my father was on vacations... He came, he buried my grandfather and continue his vacations. And I went to their house and once again cleaned... I will spare you any more details.

After this, my brother was hit with a golf club on the face, on purpose by the way. I know!! More hospitals, more hours, and the fear.... terror for him, for his face, for his broken jaw, for the two surgical operations and the many hours he had to spend at the hospital. I was with him every minute I could, lunch time, morning, end of the day, I was so scared for him... It was so hard for him and it really made him re-think his priorities and values, it was hard, let's leave it at that!

Family issues followed, as always, and once again I found myself in the center, with my phone perpetually glued to my ear listening to everyone complaining...

I'm telling you all of this with a purpose! I do not want you to feel sorry for me!!!! So just give me a few more lines to get there...

What I am now feeling is that same tiredness... I'm joyless and sad. I find myself crying all the time and everywhere, in secret of course, and I can't say why. I've been feeling like this for a while now and I could't really understand what was going on... Of course 2013 also started badly (it's a tradition apparently) with a lot of problems at home, and so I kept thinking maybe I was feeling down because of it. But now, looking back, I think I am in that same place  I was in 2011. I didn't have time to mourn my grandfather, I was on full management crisis mode which extended to my brother's misfortune and what followed. I'm tired and sad, really sad, not depressed, just sad. The stress at work just adds to this sadness and so I cry, just a few tears, and continue to rationalize, compartmentalize and basically putting everything, myself, on hold.

Looking back I think I have the answer... I'm in that same place, but I don't know what to do...I just keep on living, day by day, trying to keep my head high, trying to smile and laugh and feel something that resembles happiness... 

Time, I guess, will heal me. And they say admitting the problem is half the way so here I am: my past gave me the answers to my present but the truth is, I have no clues to the future... But maybe that doesn't really matter right now...

Sorry for the silence... I have been going through a few intense things which have kept my mind so full I could not find it in me to write! Information overdose I might call it! I could not find any inspiration because I was so, so confuse... And since I do not want to post something just because, I've decided to stay M.I.B. for a while, at least until my head settled.

And so you ask, is your mind settled? No, not at all. But the first step in any decision is figuring out what you don't want and that part is covered. So although nothing is certain, at least there's some light at the end of the tunnel.

This blog is a way to express myself and to unload my busy mind. But the truth is if my heart ain't on it, I won't write... Maybe I will loose some of you, I hope not!!, but I need to be as faithful as I can to this principle, because this is an emotional project and although my mind is the main character, my heart is its soul!

So, I'm back! Really back :) Posts will start flowing soon and tomorrow I'll post the next chapter of my short story!

If the shoe fit you are...

I'm not a religious person and I wasn't brought up in a religious house. Actually, my mother, little rebel she was, decided not to baptize me and so I was the first in my family to break that chain.

All these years later and I can honestly say I don't think my life would be any different if I had a religious upbringing. If you have a good set of moral values, one that was passed on by your family, why do you need something else?

This does not mean I'm not a spiritual person. If you asked some of my friends what are my beliefs probably you would hear "the universe" a lot. This is because I do believe in an order, in an unseen plan that we can't fully grasp as human beings, but only as souls. This belief comes only from personal experience. From moments when I felt I was more that myself, when I felt the weight of a million lives already lived and the knowledge I've acquired on that journey. Yes, I do believe in reincarnation and I do believe we live countless lives until our souls achieve something and go somewhere... you can't blame for not having all the answers!! and frankly, I don't think I want to know all the answers. I'm so humbled in these moments when I feel my soul, my true soul, speak and think that I don't think I could handle knowing it all...

So I do believe our souls are here, in this particular life as in others, with specific purposes. And those purposes are signaled to us through coincidences, weird feelings and people. For example, people you meet with whom you feel you have this otherworldly connection, because that is true. And you met that person with a purpose. One that you may not know now, or maybe never, but something will be revealed and sooner or later you will at least have a glimpse of the "whys" of your life.

The lack of a religious background may or may not have shaped this vision in my mind. Honestly, I don't think so because, as I've said, this is something I know from within. No one told me, I didn't read it, I just know! And that I cannot explain except to say that I know and I feel it as the truth and so I believe it.

At this day and age I rarely meet people in my circle who are in fact religious. And the ones who were brought up in religious households most of them don't describe themselves as such. But what remains is faith and faith is much more powerful than any church or temple, than any religion, because faith is the reason for these, without it no house of God, no book of religion would survive.

I'm endlessly surprised by the power of faith. In the best ways possible - people giving their life to care for others, save their lives or just make them a little bit better; sick people whose faith literally saves them from a disease medicine couldn't fight... amazing miracles we can't really explain but were definitely brought to life by faith. In the worst - in the most horrendous cases you see faith as the justification for violence, cruelty and murder.

In the end, is this powerful emotion and feeling that continues to shape our world today. Not religion, but faith!

Yesterday I wrote an expression on my post about feeling like shit (sorry for all the s words, but I was in a shitty mood) that stuck with me the rest of the day: playground of live. It ran through my mind, bouncing in corners and fetching other ideas, and suddenly I was enthralled: the playground of life... It has a ring to it, doesn't it?

I guess we are eternal toddlers in life, stumbling forever in new challenges that we've never faced before which, in turn, pose questions we've never had to answer. Much like childhood, we keep learning everyday from new situations and our curiosity, in many cases, is what still keeps us moving forward.

There are, of course, many differences, but I would like to highlight one that I feel doesn't stay with us as we progress in this playground of life: peace! 

When you're a child you take what you have as all you need to be happy. This contentment of not knowing what it's out there, of not wanting more than you have, is responsible, in many ways, for peace of mind. Ambition and wanting more, two traits I believe to be fundamental in any adult, are also responsible for out inquietude through life... we are forever unsatisfied, we always want more and figuring out how to get there steals any peace of mind we can achieve through other techniques (meditation, yoga, exercise, orgasms and so on).

And yet we remain little children, still running to out parents when life isn't exactly as expected, still crying when life hits you hard and still amazed by life, humanity and this world.

Every time I'm with my younger brother (he's 7 years old going 40) I try to take some of his innocence with me when I leave. Life is so much easier... and mostly, I envy the wonder in his eyes. Like the first time I took him to the Oceanário, he was a joy to watch! Little things, common things for you and me are a thrill to him and that keeps me grounded. Other days, I can help but be amazed at how similar we are in certain things and how I can still mimic some of these feelings in my so called adulthood.

So, my dear readers, we reach the end of my reverie and no conclusion, or at least not a definite one. But I guess we are not beings who should be compartmentalized or labeled (History has proven that!) and so I will rest with this: 

We are children within, but with a life baggage that makes it hard to hold on to the good and mostly highlights the bad in being a child. Children trapped in adult bodies with adult responsibilities, I say.

xx from the 7 year old within me!

Yesterday evening, I entertained myself with mindless zapping and ended up at E! where the reality show "Ice and Coco" was ending. I indulged my curiosity and watched as Coco negotiated a show in Vegas, wondering who would want to see Coco perform and mostly what was her talent ! (it's a peep show by the way...). After the negotiation, Ice and Coco met with her mother to tell her the news. The show would take Coco to Vegas for at least three months. Her mother looked Ice in the eyes and asked what did he think about all this. And Ice, with a surprising clarity, replied: "Loving someone is not looking into each others eyes, but in the same direction.". Wow! It stuck with me, maybe because it was said by someone I didn't expect and it got me thinking.

He's right! Love will only stand the test of time if the two people look in the same direction and try to reach the same goals. I mean, if two people love each other but want different things out of life, will their love survive?... Not really wanting to think about this deeply, I find myself agreeing with Ice (who knew!).

Love is mostly about a common life plan, a road that both parties should walk together, hand in hand, with the same end zone in mind. Right?

And watch this TED Conference by Elisabeth Gilbert, the author of the international best seller Eat Pray Love.

I didn't love the book, I confess, but I did LOVE listen to her speak at this conference.

She talks about the impossible things we expect from artists and about our creative genius and how artists seem to be doomed for life.

It's personal, funny and endearing and, as always, food for thought.

For me, more personal than ever, since here I am exposing myself to the world as a sort of writer...

Hope you like it!