The case of the older sister
I have a very modern family. I'm the oldest of three brothers, all from different mothers, and all with eleven years apart of each other. I guess there's some cosmic sense to this, but I'm still trying to figure it out.
The middle brother has 17 years old, almost 18. Like any boy his age he's rebellious, he thinks he knows better and he's on top of the world. The rest of us? We are just small beings who walk on this earth without knowing a thing about life! I look at him sometimes and recognize myself at his age... I wish I could tell him how everything will change soon, how life won't be like this for much longer and mostly, I wish I could point out to him what really matters. But I'm the older sister. I do not like to play this part! I much rather be the cool sister, the one who takes him to hip hop concerts and lets him sleep on the couch when he goes out with his friends. But sometimes I do have to be the older sister. I hate it!
Although I'm eleven years older than him I do not have all the answers and I fu%& up as much as anyone my age who is still learning about life. And so I wonder if I'm really qualified to have some conversations with him where I have to play this role I loathe and do not fit in... The best I can do, I think, is share with him what my experience has taught me. But, and here's the 20 million question, how much should I really share? Where is the line between friend and brother? Sometimes I want to be his pal, but I do not want him to know all the crazy things I did, and still do! It's important to keep a certain image of example, isn't it? But, at the same time, how can I reach out to him if I act as a responsible adult, which I'm not (at least not 100%)?
I've been walking this thin line for a couple of years now and I still don't know the answer. I want to talk with him as an equal and I try to. But, understandable, it doesn't really work because he doesn't see me like that... In his mind, I'm this workaholic girl who works really hard, was really good at school and already accomplished a lot... (this is only part true!!). I wish I could tell him I'm all that, yes, and I do work hard and worked really hard in school, but I've partied hard as well. I was able to separate both worlds and I wish I could make him understand this... But without real examples, these are just words going in and out of his mind at light speed. If I tell him some of my craziest moments, will I loose his respect or gain it? I wish he looked up to me because of my achievements and not because of my crazy side, but without telling him about the latter, how can I make him understand the importance of the first?
All these questions have been filling my mind lately as my brother is reaching adulthood. It has also sprung other questions regarding motherhood and my readiness for it. Can I really be ready to be a mother if I can't figure out how to talk to my brother and help raise him? I don't think so! And no, I am not ready to be a mother. As I'm not really ready to be the older sister or the crazy sister.... I guess I have to fight for the middle ground and try to find it as I go...
Everything was so much easier when he was younger...!
To all you big sisters out there, I feel you!!
xx
2 comments
Baby as a little sister I can tell you that my sisters don't know A THING about life.
ReplyDeleteA THING! They've neve been through the stuff i did (or still do) and when they were my age things were different. Were they? NO! I just have NO IDEA what do they know about life and relationships and drugs and lying to mum... and SEX? do they had sex at my age? How can i know, they never share anything (except for sister nr 2)... What i know is that i have a different relationship with my 20 year old niece whom i treat just like a little sister. I tend to share stuff without being awkward... like, "I am going to the gynecologist, do you want to come along? maybe start taking birth control pills and get that acne out of your face ;) (you know what i mean"i know things get a little more difficult because he's a boy and boys don't share feelings unless the screwed something up.
My advice (and remember that i don't know what I'm saying most of the times) is that you be available to share but don't drown him with your experiences (specially if you don't want him to repeat them) but look human, tangible, young and irresponsible sometimes but with your feet on the ground.
For what it's worth, i think you have been a great sister and if he sees you just as 40% of what I see as a friend, he already knows he's a lucky guy ;)
Thank you so much darling! Useful advice as always :) And great feedback, is good to hear what the little sisters of this world think about this! So thank you for taking the time to tell me about your experience hunny :) <3
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