November 2010: life was good. I was in a new relationship, which felt like it would be for life, I had a new challenge at work, one that took two and a half months to prepare, and a new home. In the midst of a busy, busy schedule I've learned that my grandmother was in the hospital. So my schedule now included morning visits to the hospital, lunch with her and sometimes dinner. She was very weak, she couldn't even talk, and a few weeks later I received the dreaded call. I didn't have time to mourn. I had to organize the funeral, my dad was M.I.A. and my grandfather too shook up. So I stepped in. The day after the funeral, I went to their home and tried to organize everything, taking her clothes, cleaning, doing everything I could to make my grandfather's life more comfortable. While still working as a mad woman, I had lunch with him every day I could, he was so lonely... It broke my heart... 

I spent a lot of time on the phone with everyone in my family. I guess they see me as some kind of confidante, because everyone turns to me when it comes to complaints. Every dispute, every conversation, every little thing...I was tired!

January 2011 and I was awfully sick, one week in bed feeling like shit. One month or so after that and I started to feel really tired. Then nauseous, really nauseous, like I was in a boat all the time! I couldn't drive, I could barely walk, and I was really, really tired (going from the couch to the bathroom was a challenge!)! Having a doctor for a mom has good things, but also bad things. It took a while for her to take me serious. And when she did, she took me to top specialists who  because she's a doctor, started to look for the worst case scenarios.  I mean, I was hearing things like: tumor, MS and other scary, scary things. After one million exams no one knew what I had. Then my mother, who has a condition on her ears that affects her equilibrium, took me to a ear specialist and after one more million exams I had a diagnosis:  I had something very similar to my mother. No big deal, just a few pills for motion sickness, no driving for a while and that was it. Basically the first crisis was the worst, so it would be unlikely to have another one like this. I asked the doctor, a white haired man with kind eyes, if the tiredness was a symptom. He looked into my eyes and said: "You know...I think you're depressed, that's why you're so tired all the time!". There was a loud ring in my head: yes! That was it! Well, maybe not depression, I really don't like to use that word lightly. But I figured with everything that had happened I didn't had any time to mourn the lost of my grandmother... And the weight of all the family disputes and all the stress at work was finally taking its toll. After realizing this, I took my time and step by step tried to heal myself and basically shut down all communications for a while with my family and leaned on my friends and boyfriend.

Time heals everything...

2012 started with a strained ankle!  Happy new year to me! My grandfather, lonely and weak, started to fade away with Alzheimer. He stayed at my house for a week and I had to babysit him, literally, which was a hard experience. After that he went to a nursery home and so my days and weekends were spent there or at the hospital. I can honestly say I spent one million hours at the hospital last year. After a few long months he was at the hospital once again, but this time really, really ill. I could't even look at him without crying. All this time, my father kept pushing everything on my back, once again, and I was basically taking care of everything. August came and he went on vacations because I, of course, would stay here and not go anywhere so I could take care of him. The day he left my grandfather died. And so I found myself at the same funeral home organizing one more funeral, except this one was a flash funeral because my father was on vacations... He came, he buried my grandfather and continue his vacations. And I went to their house and once again cleaned... I will spare you any more details.

After this, my brother was hit with a golf club on the face, on purpose by the way. I know!! More hospitals, more hours, and the fear.... terror for him, for his face, for his broken jaw, for the two surgical operations and the many hours he had to spend at the hospital. I was with him every minute I could, lunch time, morning, end of the day, I was so scared for him... It was so hard for him and it really made him re-think his priorities and values, it was hard, let's leave it at that!

Family issues followed, as always, and once again I found myself in the center, with my phone perpetually glued to my ear listening to everyone complaining...

I'm telling you all of this with a purpose! I do not want you to feel sorry for me!!!! So just give me a few more lines to get there...

What I am now feeling is that same tiredness... I'm joyless and sad. I find myself crying all the time and everywhere, in secret of course, and I can't say why. I've been feeling like this for a while now and I could't really understand what was going on... Of course 2013 also started badly (it's a tradition apparently) with a lot of problems at home, and so I kept thinking maybe I was feeling down because of it. But now, looking back, I think I am in that same place  I was in 2011. I didn't have time to mourn my grandfather, I was on full management crisis mode which extended to my brother's misfortune and what followed. I'm tired and sad, really sad, not depressed, just sad. The stress at work just adds to this sadness and so I cry, just a few tears, and continue to rationalize, compartmentalize and basically putting everything, myself, on hold.

Looking back I think I have the answer... I'm in that same place, but I don't know what to do...I just keep on living, day by day, trying to keep my head high, trying to smile and laugh and feel something that resembles happiness... 

Time, I guess, will heal me. And they say admitting the problem is half the way so here I am: my past gave me the answers to my present but the truth is, I have no clues to the future... But maybe that doesn't really matter right now...